On Winter Olympic Sports

Watching all those icy sports of the Winter Olympics on TV,
seeing how much fun everything looked sure did inspire me.
Never before in any icy sports did I ever participate,
since down South it never snows, for goodness sake.
I figured I surely could practice these sports on dry land,
that way at least the temperature I'd be able to stand.
That 'skeleton' thing was the first to come to my mind.
I built a sled using skate boards that worked just fine.
Headfirst I went roaring down the neighborhood hill,
but things didn't quite work out, my head hurting still
from ramming it through the neighbor's front door.
It was my head. So why did she yell and get so sore??
Whoever named this "skeleton" did real fine,
'cause from all the x-rays I got a good look at mine.
I decided to skip trying out downhill skiing,
since going 50 mph off a cliff would have me peeing.
(Besides, everybody knows whenever you ski you oughtta
do it on a hot summer day behind a boat out on the water!)
Figure skating looked simple, safe, and relatively easy.
I'd roller skated before, and it didn't even make me queasy.
Borrowing my sister's pink tutu so's I have a fancy costume,
I drove over to practice on the ice rink at that Dallas mall.
That I would be doing those spins and jumps I did presume,
but all I could manage was to fall and fall and fall.
People kept on laughing like I was some kind of nut!
Just how long does it usually take to thaw a frozen butt?
I have now decided all those icy sports simply aren't much fun
for this old Southern boy who grew up playing under the hot sun.

Harry Edward Gilleland      02.14.02    printer friendly