Toilet Seat Etiquette For The Newlywed Man

At lunch the other day I overheard four young men at the next table
Telling one of their group to enjoy his bachelor ways while still able.
Seems he was getting married soon and they were filling him in,
Telling him his new wife would soon turn him into something he'd never been.

"She'll train you to change your habits, to do things the girly way.
Little by little she'll turn you into someone old friends won't recognize one day.
Things like no more dirty clothes, socks and shoes strewn around the room,
And if you make a mess, you'll actually go and get a broom!"

"No more leaving empty beer cans and pizza boxes to accumulate into a pile,
So that when you finally do clean up, the job will be truly worthwhile.
No more leaving dirty dishes piled up in the sink for a week or two,
She'll have you believing it is wrong to live the way most men do!"

"Oh, most importantly, the up/down toilet seat issue is a real biggee.
Many women never turn the lights on in the middle of the night when they go pee.
Something about them not getting awakened fully if they can keep it dark,
So they don't examine exactly where it is their fanny they are about to park."

This last comment struck home with me, bringing a big smile to my face,
Because very early in my marriage I once found myself in that very place.
In the middle of the night my new wife got out of bed to go use the bathroom.
I had closed the bathroom door, so was roused from sleep by a ka-boom.

She had smacked into the closed door, making a tremendous thudding sound.
Proceeding on, she kept the room dark as she sat herself down.
When her warm fanny made contact with the cold, clammy porcelin rim,
My chances of a good night's sleep suddenly became awfully slim.

All that yelling and cursing just over the positioning of the seat!!
And, could I help it if I, thinking it funny, was laughing when I rolled over to meet
My new wife, who rapidly went from rather annoyed to extremely mad.
Since then I've never forgotten to put the seat down, keeping my wife constantly glad!

Harry Edward Gilleland      11.23.01    printer friendly